My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Here’s a meme
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
How does one answer this?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?