Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Not even remotely sorry.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties