I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567