I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
They’re called werewolves.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick