Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
October already? What’s next? November????
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.