That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Meat Cute
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
No. YOU-buprofen.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)