Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Growing up was a huge mistake
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.