So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
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If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
and now we wait
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
what are they serving at kfc then???