COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
(Gaming support cat.)
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
WHO DID THIS?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.