ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it