HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
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lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
what day is it?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.