Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
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MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Finally, an explanation.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.