My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.