Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”