Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.