My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
You Might Also Like
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*