Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”