“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Basketball
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?