In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?