When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My life coach traded me.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane