[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.