Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert