Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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Oops
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.