If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker