I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man