Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
this has done me in for some reason