Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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Bond. Trauma bond.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting