“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
This fish is cracking me up
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator