There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby