The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
quarantine day 3
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.