Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no