The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My god she’s good.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…