My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Tremendous stuff
so this horse walks into a bar
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor