Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.