Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
he was correct
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off