All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate