6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30