I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late