Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him