[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
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When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Bros before Ohioes
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me