We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.