Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”