Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
very niche meme I made
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.