DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I’m confused about plants
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
(yawn)
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”