If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*seductively corrects your posture*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses