Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Body by Oreos
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*