[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
“You’d better run, egg!”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport