My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Covid like
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
this is uni
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.