tinder is all about the long game
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
we’re gonna need another temp
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*