I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.